I haven't slept alone in five years. I haven't woken up to sunshine and alarms.
Today when I have no choice but to get in bed all by myself, it feels like I have taken birth out of romanticism and forced to cuddle nightmares. Is this what loneliness feels like? I have no answers but I think this is what it is, I feel so small and lost. What if the stories about bloody Mary and the three thieves are true? Nobody will find me tomorrow and I will turn into mystery. What about the secrets and stories I haven't told anyone, will they disappear with me? My best friend will never know the truth about her boyfriend, that is sad.
Now I do not have to choose any side of the bed, it is all mine but incomplete. I will have to force myself to sleep and dream deep about togetherness and love, something I just lost. Will I wake up tomorrow with a hangover? I might gulp down a few glasses of beer and sing sad songs, a new happy place. I will be tagged as a melancholic mess. Ugh! its so quiet! Is this what poets keep reciting? This is not beautiful, it's chaotic. I do not see the moon, where did she go?
Were the stars hung up there to make way for rockets and spaceships? Will one crash over tonight? I’ll be gone then, So I will have to start all over among aliens and dodge UFOs? Okay… I need to get some sleep before the moonlight man knocks my bedroom door. Is he already watching me? Does he know I am all by myself? I can’t do this! I can’t! Wait am I too loud? Did he hear me? let’s sing a song! Yes! Uhmm “I got a ticket for the long way round, two bottles whiskey for the way…” Haha I remember how I played the cup song in school and screwed up,he was watching me from the backstage. I walked out half way the performance and he ran after me to calm me down, I had butterflies in my stomach. We were highschool sweethearts. Wait why am I blushing over this? No, it’s over and I don’t want to remember these moments. I should burn down these memories soon. Fire! I think I need to check the iron box, I smell something. It smells weird, I don’t know. Okay let’s breathe, easy peasy.
I will keep the fairy lights turned on and light music playing, uhm Ed Sheeran? Adele? let Coldplay play. Did I just say “play” twice? Wow play, say, hey, may… May? So he’s not going to be there for my birthday this time, I think I will feel hollow. I already do. Shut up! I talk too much. I am on my bed, let me close my eyes, I see colors. No just black actually.
Has it been an hour already? Wait why is it dark? Where am I? Am I trapped in a dream?
Okay now it’s 3 AM, almost there. I want hot chocolate and cookies, my stomach’s growling. Midnight craving after all. So this is what sleeping alone feels like? I hate it. Guess I will never sleep at this rate. Let’s try the old way that my aunt taught me, I will count sheep. One sheep, two sheep, three sheep..
I stretch and rub my eyes, I finally saw the sunshine.